Your so naive, thinking the world revolves around you. Feelings exist in others too. You have no compassion for other people. I used to look up to you, I listened to your problems and helped you through them. Patiently waiting for the day you would do the same. That day never came. I know what's best for me, I know I deserve more. Though you creep back into my life and emotions like a dark spirit I can't control. I try and try to battle the depression off but it overcomes me before I can even put up a fight. It's my own fault, it was almost like I took a story that was already written, a sad story with a sad ending, I took it and tried to twist the ending into my own when fate had already decided the dark cloud that would form over what we decided to call love. You forced me to believe that I put no effort into our dysfunctional relationship, but the case was not that at all. Too much effort was put forth by just one of us. By me. It's hard to not believe the best in something so beautiful, you want to look past the dark aura that surrounds it. If a rose is black does that take away its beauty? I wanted to convince myself that I could change you, in some disturbed way I still kind of believe it. Maybe that's what messes with me the most about all of this, I know the monster you are, I see the monster I've become, I know I can't change you but I still try. It just makes no sense to me. My main focus should be to destroy the monster in me, but instead I still proceed to try to destroy the one in you. It's not my job to make you better. You have to do it yourself, but the battle goes on because you don't want to. One part of me has so much hate for you that it makes me sick, how do you care for someone so much when you have so much anger built up towards them? Will any of these questions ever be answered? Or will the shallowness of your soul leak into mine finally making me completely emotionless?
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sometimes we all found ourselves at a crossroad, not knowing the right path to take. Afraid to take the right one, but not wanting to take the wrong one over and over. I look around at these students, paralyzed as I watch them live their normal teenage lives. Living the life that I missed out on. There will power to do good deeds is much stronger then mine, I'm so weak it hurts my heart to think about what might have been, what could have been, and what never will be. I despise what my life has come to. How to fix such a tragedy? Somedays I think its possible to mend the broken pieces, other days I feel as if its impossible, like the wounds have turned to scars that would be much too difficult to get rid of. I believe in time they will fade. Though they will always be there haunting and taunting me. Everything around me is so cold and dead. No light is being brought to me, nothing can make me shine. It's like i'm always walking through a dark fog that grows thicker and thicker everytime I make a bad decision. Decisions that will effect my future drastically. Bad people I can't seem to say goodbye to. It all hurts me more then I show. Is this really a mid-term that is too difficult for me? Or a wake up call? A wake up call that will make me or break me depending upon which path I choose to take from here on out. I'm so used to the pain that I think I may be a little frightened to see the light again. To be vulnerable again, to trust again. But it's also a desire I can't get rid of. I loved you world, why did you turn your back on me?